Reflections on My Previous Marriage

With all that I have been writing about marriage I have been thinking about my two marriages. I am currently very happily married which shows as a stark contrast to what I had the first time around, especially considering it was my first serious relationship. I am just going to write a little (or a lot depending on your opinion) about my thoughts and the process, and some reflections on my experience.

I was a late bloomer when it came to romance and dating and stuff, and was not really ready for that until after high school. I was shy, introverted, and very nerdy. I do not mean geeky, because in this day and age that infers a level of social competance. I am currently a geek and have outgrown my nerdy roots, at least, I seem to think so.

I fell in love with her while I was home on leave from the military. It was someone I was told that I had to meet. I spent time with her a few days via some mutual interests and friends, and we bonded very quickly. I went back to Virginia and the military. We talked and talked over the phone over a period of 6 months and finally we decided that she should move down with me. I went home on vacation during the summer and we drove back together with loads of stuff in my 1979 Cherry Red Mustang [How I miss that car! =( ].

I knew that she previously had financial problems and she said that these were a thing of the past and I, of course, wanted to believe this. She had not really given me reason to suspect anything. I had my suspicions unfortunately, and I did not address them with her because, perhaps, I was too afraid of the truth. I was afraid that my suspicions were correct and the pain that would result. I always asked how our finances were going and I got a response about this or that with nothing to raise any significant alarm. Sometimes she would say that we were a little behind, but that arrangements were made or that it will get paid with the next check or whatever.

I found myself a horrible victim to my inability to accept that my partner might not be able to handle things when I thought that she could. I was stopped by fear of her potential failure and her potential deceptions. I was afraid to know the truth.

In the end there were many lies and so very many bills that were not paid, and I took them on following our divorce as a sort of penance for not taking care of it in the first place; and allowing that situation to get out of control. I had thought through things that had been happening and thought that she may have been cheating on me with someone that she worked with, but I have no proof. It was horrible and agonizing part of my life, but I have learned a lot from it. In some perverse way I am thankful for this experience. =) My life is better for having experienced it.

Perhaps I was in the throws of New Relationship Energy (NRE) or Limerence, which is thought to last 6 months to 2 years. This may have blinded me and help to prevent me taking charge or allowing myself to be blind. We dated 6 months long distance, and lived together for 6 months, before getting married. From marriage (August 1, 1998) to finalized divorce (~ Oct 1999) I tried to make it work - to go to therapy but she did not want it, so I decided on divorce. =( The rest is legal history.