Losing You

Having lost your heart and kind eyes has ripped the joy from my life.
I miss your thoughts, your looks, and your voice.
I miss the illusion of friendship that your presence bore.
Friends, I thought we were until your eyes cast me aside.
Cast my heart from the warmth of your smile like it was never there.

Pain is now what resides in my heart.
Pain because I have lost you.
Despair and shadows now fill my days.
My broken heart threatens to choke me because I have lost you.

The Angels of Kindness and Compassion walk with me and help to console me.
Their kindness and tender hearts ease my days.
Their soft touch and soothing words help me to forget, at least for a small time.
They help to keep back the tears, and shadows of despair.
Their presence helps to ease the pain, but there is only so much that can be done for my broken heart.

A broken heart is not easily healed. A heart once broke may never be fully healed.
Not like new. Not without the scars of the pain felt. Not without the scars of unkind words.
Not without the past being ever present in the pain and memories of what was had, and lost.
If words of redemption and sorrow were offered the scars would still remain.

This loss is threatening to consume me and devour me whole.
It is hard to think, to live, to find any joy in the company of friends and family.
They offer the heart felt words of support and love, but they do not help to ease my pain.
The things that brought me joy before do not bring me happiness now.
I have lost you, the joy in my life. I have lost you.
Both of you brought joy and sunlight into my life.
Gave me hope and happiness. Gave me kind words and bright smiles.
Gave me warm thoughts and a warm touch.

Cold is all that I feel now. Cold is all that I feel from you.
Cold because my heart is no longer warmed by your smile and thoughts.
Cold because your words and touch are no longer warm.
Cold because I walk in the darkness and shadows of my memories.
The shadows of the happiness that I had with you.
I walk through the darkness of my days, and the shadows haunt me and taunt me.

Haunt me with the past. Haunt me with the memories of what we were.
Taunted by the kind words that were said.
I remember them well, but now the warm words leave behind coldness and tears.
These memories leave me with anger and frustration, tears and pain.

I am haunted by my loss and wondering why.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I deserve this?
What have I done that is so horrible that I deserve to walk with this darkness and pain?
Why is it that I the joy in my life has cast me aside to need me no longer?
Why is it that I still need them? Why is it that I am feeling the pain?
Why is that I mean so little to you. Why is it that you do not see my tears and my pain.
Why is it that my tears and pain do not matter? Why is it that you do not care?
Why is it? I do not understand. I do not understand.

James O'Neill, September 2, 2003