Ebon Solace

Writhing world and the darkness slakes
Companions of pain and doubt constant
Stabbing pains of twisted loves

Resolve that is firm, yet doubting my rhyme
Tears fall amidst the fear and loss
Ephemeral life and relative reality

Restless nights full of thoughts and premonitions
A life in tatters and yet is whole
The questions pose themselves unavailed in the night

The answers are there but they are not.
Maybe my pain speaks the answer
Maybe the voices speak true

Answers are mine and mine alone to choose
Darkness envelops and I must choose

Shall I regret the right
Shall I regret choosing

Am I right
Am I wrong

How do I know
How do I choose

In the darkness of the moment these are my solace
These are my companions
Solitary in the darkness I shall choose, and yet I am not alone

James O'Neill, September 13, 2006

Losing You

Having lost your heart and kind eyes has ripped the joy from my life.
I miss your thoughts, your looks, and your voice.
I miss the illusion of friendship that your presence bore.
Friends, I thought we were until your eyes cast me aside.
Cast my heart from the warmth of your smile like it was never there.

Pain is now what resides in my heart.
Pain because I have lost you.
Despair and shadows now fill my days.
My broken heart threatens to choke me because I have lost you.

The Angels of Kindness and Compassion walk with me and help to console me.
Their kindness and tender hearts ease my days.
Their soft touch and soothing words help me to forget, at least for a small time.
They help to keep back the tears, and shadows of despair.
Their presence helps to ease the pain, but there is only so much that can be done for my broken heart.

A broken heart is not easily healed. A heart once broke may never be fully healed.
Not like new. Not without the scars of the pain felt. Not without the scars of unkind words.
Not without the past being ever present in the pain and memories of what was had, and lost.
If words of redemption and sorrow were offered the scars would still remain.

This loss is threatening to consume me and devour me whole.
It is hard to think, to live, to find any joy in the company of friends and family.
They offer the heart felt words of support and love, but they do not help to ease my pain.
The things that brought me joy before do not bring me happiness now.
I have lost you, the joy in my life. I have lost you.
Both of you brought joy and sunlight into my life.
Gave me hope and happiness. Gave me kind words and bright smiles.
Gave me warm thoughts and a warm touch.

Cold is all that I feel now. Cold is all that I feel from you.
Cold because my heart is no longer warmed by your smile and thoughts.
Cold because your words and touch are no longer warm.
Cold because I walk in the darkness and shadows of my memories.
The shadows of the happiness that I had with you.
I walk through the darkness of my days, and the shadows haunt me and taunt me.

Haunt me with the past. Haunt me with the memories of what we were.
Taunted by the kind words that were said.
I remember them well, but now the warm words leave behind coldness and tears.
These memories leave me with anger and frustration, tears and pain.

I am haunted by my loss and wondering why.
Why do I feel this way? Why do I deserve this?
What have I done that is so horrible that I deserve to walk with this darkness and pain?
Why is it that I the joy in my life has cast me aside to need me no longer?
Why is it that I still need them? Why is it that I am feeling the pain?
Why is that I mean so little to you. Why is it that you do not see my tears and my pain.
Why is it that my tears and pain do not matter? Why is it that you do not care?
Why is it? I do not understand. I do not understand.

James O'Neill, September 2, 2003

The One That Got Away

My heart swells with the happiness and joy of having known you
Longing now fills the void in my heart where you stood for a ten-day
You are 5000 miles away and I feel very inch
Wanting you to want to be with me is the bitter-sweet thought that rocks me to sleep
I know you feel that it cannot work; you feel that we do not have a chance
There is much I would give to have a chance at loving you
In our short time together I have felt a lifetime if closeness to you
Knowing I have to let go of you tears me up and fills me with a great sorrow The sorrow of not knowing what could have happened; of letting go of the world of happiness
and Joy that I see in you

Sometimes I ask myself Why I came up to you on that bright day summer day; to let your bright smile and
laugh into my heart. To invite the sorrow I feel now for having to let you go

Knowing you gives me the hope that there might be another out there; another that is strong, forthright,
beautiful, and as wonderful as you. This hope keeps me from feeling the despair of thinking that you might
be the one that got away; the perfect one that got away.

James O'Neill, March 11, 2003

So Far Away

So far away
An ocean apart
I have missed you so much
I can feel it in my heart

Your soft touch and smile so bright
Leave me happy memories that
keep me warm at night

You have made me feel so special,
so happy, and right
I wish you were here right now
so I could hold you close and kiss you good night

So far a way
An ocean apart
Miles away
Yet so close at heart

I look forward to when I may see you again
So this angel that haunts me dreams
may tell me her heart

I wish to hear your voice and
to know that you are near
so we can share out thoughts,
feelings, and fears

So far away
An ocean apart
I have missed you so much
I can feel it in my heart

James O'Neill, Fall 1993

A Christmas Gift

This was written in 4 parts. Each two lines was written to a specific person and written in a card for them, and each was meant to fit into this specific little Christmas Poem. I was in the military and at sea when I wrote this, perhaps during my cruise to the Mediterranean in 1995, somewhere around there.

To my close friends and family on this holiday season
Warm tidings I send to thee

Upon this Christams season I think of you often
Reminiscing of our times together both happy and sad

Remembering the warmth of your words and embrace and never wavering in support

Remembering the gifts traded of both heart and wrapping but your loving presence is by far the best

Longing and treasuring the closeness that time and distance may bring

Wishing at every moment I could be with you this holiday
To share in the revel found only in the tidings of St. Nick

Being so far away and unable to give to thee the gifts I wish I send thee a present of heart and soul, of love and friendship in the prose contained herein.

James O'Neill, Winter 1995

"These"

To write "these" all I have to do is think of you and the emotions attempt to pour out my pencil and on to the page
It is too bad for my pencil is not the best interpreter
My pencil can express only minimally what my emotions tell it
To find out truly what emotions told my pencil and how pencil interpreted it and produced "These"

You must skip the pencil and paper and talk to my emotions directly For only then will you understand how I created "These"

James O'Neill, December 1993

Missing You

As gentle as the morning sun
I remember your touch
You laughter and beauty haunt my dreams
In the morning I sigh, as I think of you
My days are filled with dreams of you and our so brief moments together

Before I lay myself to sleep and as I wake to the morning
I am welcomed to a new day with your beauty as only a picture may capture
A week or more I spent in blue as my inner self was remembering you
Remembering you, unknowingly as I mechanically trudge through "this"
With all of this said remember I am thinking of only you

James O'Neill, January 2, 2003

You and I

As the suspense builds, I grow impatient
I wait to see you after out last parting so long ago
I wait so long, to finally get you here with me, alone
With no worries or concerns, just what to do next
Just You and I

In the time that we were together, we found something special and new
Something exciting and special
We found a little more of each other
In those quiet moments or amidst the laughter
we have grown closer, you and I

And in the moments of our leaving
With the flowers and the beauty of your face still fresh in my mind,
I long for the togetherness a weekend of reverie has brought

James O'Neill, Summer 1994

Always and Forever

Trees pollinate and the animals mate
The young grow and flourish as the sun beams down
The sick and weak wane as the leaves fall
The feeble are no more as whiteness sets upon the land
This is the cycle of life and death as mother nature has ordained
This will be always

The stars, planets and galaxies have been forever
My love spans an even greater continuum
Through time and space

Always and Forever

Since first we met - I loved you
The more we did as one the stronger my love grew
Til now, as the last weekend spent
I love you

Always ands Forever

As people come and go
As trees sprout a new and the leaves fall
As people live their lives and continue on to the netherworld
My love continues on

In life and death
As time passes on
As distances wax and wane
Our love grew infinitely stronger as we grew finitely closer
As the rest of the world continues on we continue to love each other

Always and Forever

James O'Neill, 1992

That Thing Most Precious

On a night most filled with doubt and confusion, fear and longing I prayed to the lord
I prayed while I lay awake in bed
A bed not mine, but of the place that takes me away from you
Eyes closed, I prayed
While I prayed I envisioned a lighted portal above me, the mild fog and mist issuing from it was pierced by the wisdom of the Lord

I begged answer to my question
"Lord, there is something so precious that I wish to keep. Something so near and dear to my heart. I must know, If I am to keep this thing most precious, can I stay here where I am so far apart from it or must I go to it."

The next morning a person came forth and said
"I have a message for you. The Lord came to me last night while I stood watch most vigilant; He said 'I have a message for him: Tell him he must got to this thing so precious;'"
I blinked and then he was gone
So, I think to myself 'could this message be coincidence or has the Lord answered my query'

And so I sit here now writing of the possibility, unknowing if the Lord has truly sent his word
I sit here writing with out you, This Thing Most Precious

James O'Neill, Summer 1992

My Poems

These poems, if you would be so kind to call them that, have been written usually while being depressed or hurting emotionally. To this day there is only one poem that I have written with a positive emotion behind it. Unfortunately, it seems to be that only negative emotions seem drive my somewhat limited creative poetic juices. There is but one more poem which has been lost and can never be recovered. Take that for good or ill as you may. =)

Enjoy them if you can. If not, well, I am sure that you are not the only one. =)